and not near enough time.
equestrian lifestyle, random snapshots, opinions & life
Because finishing his memorial has become a mild obsession, here is a second post about rocks for Airy.
Two paddocks at the barn, one with our pond, the other with a giant oak tree make an upside down L around the entire right side of the property. this L makes the yard that we graze our horses in after a lesson, it’s also the corner where Airy died.
It’s a hard spot to avoid, impossible actually since it’s where the grass is greenest.. in a mostly flat yard, this corner is a tiny valley of bright green and none of the horses can resist it. The view isn’t bad either, it’s a good spot for a memorial but it shouldn’t have to be. From here you can see all the horses, the pond turtles, riders in the arena, the giant oak tree, the sunset.
This is where his apple trees will go. Right now the trees are in planters by the house. I can’t make myself dig the holes. I can barely make myself look at the apple trees, never mind pick up a shovel and start breaking into the earth he died on. I have yet to walk on it, not since the morning I had to walk away anyways.
Airy and I didn’t get to where we were on our own. Sure, I paid my way and spent way too much time without a trainer, or real people food to afford him, our dream but that isn’t what made us. Not entirely. This blog, this community, every person who ever sent advice, critique or encouragement and every person I ever debated with, argued with or flat out tubmlrbrawled with… it all helped make he and I the team we were. Here I was forced to research my opinions, here I learned just how freakin’ many different opinions there were about EVERYTHING and was forced to figure out exactly where I stand in the training / different styles debates. When I did something stupid ya’ll were the first to call me out and tell me why, when there was real progress ya’ll were the ones I told first (and the first ones to notice!) because ya’ll were always the happiest for us. Not once, even a midst all the jackass anons has one person said that we couldn’t do this, that our dream was out of reach and that fact, more than another is why I need to include you all in his memorial…
I have had this blog for several years and through some of my loneliest, darkest stuff this community has been where I turned. Airy’s memorial is going to be pretty when it’s done but it’s also my very darkest moment and in some weird way I feel like these rocks you guys are sending.. I feel like they are a tangible way for me to SEE the support while I build this space for him because I know, when I do finally get the shovel out, when I do finally walk on that earth his absence will hit me like a brick wall. The rocks aren’t just to edge tree’s, they are a permanent mark on the place he died that I am not alone.
Being part of a blog community, no matter how close knit, the physical connection is missing. This is my attempt at a physical connection.
I need to see something other than his head in my arms when I look at that corner.
I hope that makes sense. I hope you understand why buying pretty rocks from the store isn’t the same as rocks from everywhere our support came from. Do whatever you want to your rock, there are no rules or requirements or deadlines. When you have a rock you want to send, go to my ask box and let me know.
There are a few other rocks I plan on collecting.. from important places for him and I. The goal is to make the infinity symbol around the two trees. Eventually a bench will go between them. If you were wondering what the plan was..
I didn’t plan on writing this, I was just going to remind ya’ll about rocks… but I started typing and I think maybe I needed to get that out. I try not to think about him because it turns me into a runny nosed crying mess.. like right now. People keep telling me if I just let myself have a good cry about it I’ll start to feel better, I’ve done this three times now and I don’t feel better, he’s still gone, it still hurts.